When those crazy hags on daytime television take up time talking about the Super Bowl, you know it’s relevant.
The Super Bowl hyperbolic super babble by the roundtable of the extremely annoying on The Talk were the culprits this week, talking about everything that doesn’t actually matter in the biggest football game of the year. And by doing so, they slap the face of knowledgeable female football fans everywhere.
Instead of talking strategy, they were ranking who was hotter, Tom Brady or Eli Manning, quarterbacks for New England and New York, instead of breaking down the intricacies of the game billed as the rematch of SB 42.
Who’s hotter? Really? Tom Brady dates and impregnates millionaire super models to occupy his time while Manning’s idea of a crazy night out is ordering bananas and cinnamon on his Cheerios. In fact, Manning doesn’t even look old enough to date unless he’s supervised by Archie.
The banter is just absurd. Why even waste your time talking about something you obviously know nothing about. It’s like me teaching a sewing class, or for my many haters out there, a writing class.
I blame that saucy chatterbox Elizabeth Hasslebeck, sister-in-law to my boy Matt Hasslebeck — the former Seattle signal caller robbed by the striped shirts in SB 40 — for empowering women hosting talk shows to blab about football. Her husband, Tim, also a former NFL QB and current analyst at ESPN, probably brought his work home too many times, therefore obviously qualifying the wife as a credible blowhard. It all spins into leaving the door open for Darlene (Sara Gilbert) from Roseanne to feed the viewers full of pointless information in order to fill an obviously useless time slot at CBS.
Hey, I have no beef with the ladies speaking their minds, that is until they wasted the time of unemployed women and housewives of America by pigeon-holing them into the class of sexual deviants.
Then again, maybe it’s better that these women are talking about the Super Bowl. The media surely isn’t getting anything juicy from the players.
Remember the brash days of Broadway Joe’s “guarantee” and the hilarity of John Matuszak’s answer after getting busted partying with the bums in New Orleans’ French Quarter in ‘86 — “To make sure no one else was.” Even Raiders fans have their own brush with ridiculousness when Barrett Robbins, their Pro Bowl center, went on a drinking binge without taking his meds and landed lost in Tijuana the week before a 48-21 loss to Tampa Bay in ‘03. I’m told Raiders fans have never forgiven Robbins, who is currently serving five years for cocaine possession in Florida, for his behavior. The way I see it, he was just fitting in with the Silver and Black.
Realistically, the last worthwhile media day spat came from Ray Buchannon and Shannon Sharpe during the back-to-back SB wins for Denver in ‘98-’99, when Buchannon now famously called the now Hall of Fame Broncos tight end out for looking like the horsiest horse of course.
“I’ll tell you, that’s an ugly dude,” Buchannon said. “You can’t tell me he doesn’t look like Mr. Ed.”
Sharpe fired back, taking note of the dog collar worn by the Falcons’ safety.
“Tell Ray to put the eyeliner, the lipstick and the high heels away,’’ Sharpe quipped. “I’m not saying he’s a cross-dresser, but that’s just what I heard.”
That stuff went away when Bill Belichick began making the Super Bowl a regular trip. You wouldn’t dare cross the medieval hoodie-wearing dictator — and if you did, consider yourself ready for a free-agent gig with the Raiders.
New York’s Tom Coughlin is equally demanding of his players, often doling out fines in the locker room for players not arriving 15 minutes before the scheduled practice.
So here we are, relegated to nothing but the same old respect card being played for two weeks throughout the media by both teams. Refreshing, yes, entertaining, not even close.
An e-mail sent addressed to The View’s Hasslebeck for a prediction on the score went unanswered by press time — maybe she had to flip her two-headed coin of pull out her February fashion faux paux color scheme to properly pick the winning team — so I’ll just have to guess this one on my own.
New York is a 3.5-point favorite in the big game, never a good sign for the team famous for being a great dog. New England’s still steaming from the Giants ending their bid for the perfect season in SB 42, therefore Brady will put away the guyliner and focus on throwing the ball instead of worrying about the color of his jersey clashing with his shoes.
In respect to Gilbert, I’m going my own way, honey. No hotness scale for this heterosexual. I’m picking the game as I always do — matching the final score to my numbers on one of the biggest illegal sports boards in the country.
— Patriots 35, Giants 30.
P.S. While I’m at it, Darlene, tell DJ to quit excitedly shuffling through Sarah’s unmentionables (who can’t remember the loveable character of DJ always involved in one socially awkward situation in seemingly every episode?).